Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Fears

Today, it started out as a small jitter. Was chatting with a friend and something was said and I got scared and wanted to take my words back. Over the day, it grew, turning into a bit of irritation then fading away. I was in the clear. Or so I thought.

As I lay in bed everything started rushing up on me. It started with the small jitter then added another jitter about a IM I sent complaining to a new friend. I kept thinking, about both the jitters. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Did I annoy? Irritate? Royally piss off. Silly and I knew it deep down. Still, it propelled me out of bed to send off an apology. Which only added to the jitters because the person was still online (and probably knows who he is once he reads this.) What got added to my jitters? Well, I laid back down after sending the message anyways and this pops in my head: What if he sees my name pops up and closes it before he reads????????

And the jitters grow.

They grow so bad that they start to encompass more. Man, I haven't gotten much writing done, not even 1000 words! But I've been editing. Not writing though, the jitters say. What if, the jitters add, you've lost the ability to write? What if you can't write another story? Can't finish the ones you have? Are your characters even talking anymore? I stare at the darkness in my bedroom, eyes wide, nerves buzzing.


And the jitters grow.

What about my blog? Everyone's talking about the spike in hits so there's no real way for me to tell if people are visiting my blog and actually reading. They may just be looking at the main page for two seconds the hitting the X. I posted a give away with some nice books. Only six people have commented and only a few new followers. What if people don't like the books I'm offering? What if no one else comments or follows? Same with Twitter. What if no one else follows me. My  tweets are irritating and boring! I'm just an annoying person and everyone is to damn nice to say it to my face. Which is why the two friends mentioned earlier barely talked to me. It wasn't they had stuff to do. I was just irritating the shit out of them.

And the jitters grow.

And my stories I want to publish. WHAT IF NO ONE LIKES THEM???? What if all I get is one star ratings? What if hundreds of errors are found? What if I just flat out suck at writing and I should give up? Any new ideas are barely formed and my WIPs are half finished.

The jitters are turning into flow blown anxiety and I can't sleep, can't think of anything to relax my mind and my eyes hurt from the attempts not to bawl like an infant. This is all in my head, I know. Boy, do I know.  But no one said a monster had to be standing in front of you to feel fear. All I want to do is sleep because I know once I wake, everything will be fine, conversations will resume like normal and I will feel like a complete and utter idiot for freaking out over nothing.

But right now, at this very moment as I'm typing this, all I feel is fear.

13 comments:

  1. Well, I read your posts if that's any consolation. I can't tell you if your fears are unfounded or not, but I can certainly assure you getting the jitters, periods of self-doubt, second guessing your decisions and generally feeling the fear are all pretty much the same for everyone.

    You know how you used to think your parents were perfect and then they turned out to be people? Next time you see someone who's got it together and is super confident, remember that. It's not avoiding difficult moments that make you a strong person, it's dealing with them.

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  2. Well, with me it is definitely unfounded as you already know - I was at school teaching 6 year olds which is why I didn't reply!

    Besides, the person to win the most irritating award would be me hands down.

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  3. Aww Patricia, we all go through this. I think self-doubt is built into our DNA along with the creativity gene. Otherwise there would be a whole lot of talented, self-confident douchebags walking around. And really, who wants that?

    Here's some reassurance for you -- I read your blog, follow you on Twitter, and think you're an awesome/funny/talented person. And I have excellent taste.

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  4. Mood, yes it is some consolation. Thanks. =)

    Michael aka Anonymous, lol! I knew you were out and about or sleeping. My anxiety just wasn't having any rational thought.

    Melanie, yes, you do have excellent taste. ;)

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  5. Girl, you're thinking too much! Ha! I thought I was the only one who did all of this thinking, worrying, fearing, etc. .... it's good to know I have company! ;-) By the way, I am going to finish reading 'Out of Secrets' here in the next few days. I have sort of proofed it .... but not with a fine tooth comb. I'm not sure what you want from me in that regard. I love the story, but I've already told you that. Okay ... just wanted to lend my two-cents worth ...

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  6. I arrived here via the lovely Rebecca Bradley. I hope by the time you read this you've had some sleep and banished those jitters for a while at least :)

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  7. @Sarah, yeah, I got some wonderful sleep and felt much better today. A few jitters here and there but any lack of sleep tonight will be thanks to the nap I took and not stress.

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  8. Patricia, we all feel those fears. Questioning what we do and if we are good enough. Even long published authors writing their next book feel the fear if things I've read are correct. When you feel that way, take some time for you. Do something you know soothes you. It will pass.

    @Sarah, thank you :)

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  9. You're worrying about a lot of stuff that won't ever happen or that you have no control over. Yeah, we do it. But what if everything turns out good? Worry about that for a while!
    And as long as you stay true to yourself online, you'll do fine.

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  10. Yeah, that sounds about right. :) We writers are wonderfully neurotic in that sense. It's natural to feel this, though, and I'll have to add that if you didn't and simply plowed through with oodles of confidence, I'd frankly worry.

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  11. @Hayden, that's what I've heard others say as well. Worrying means we ensure our writing as the shiniest it can be before releasing it into the world. After that night, my WIP should be gold! LOL

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  12. Ha! There's something to be said about being your own worst critic. :D Better that than an insufferable narcissist.

    Besides, you have a great excuse to go after chocolate. I believe comfort food and writing are total soul mates.

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  13. HAYDEN you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of chocolate? I bet it would have solved EVERYTHING!

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