Friday, April 1, 2011

B is for Being Human

Do you see a trend with my titles? The nostalgic way that reminds you of your childhood? Yup, they will all be that way. I'm not sure if it's creative or me being a slacker but I like it.

If you read my post about the challenge you might know what to expect. I said I was going to take all my stories and try to write queries for them. This is definitely slacking through. Being Human's query is already written. All I have to do is copy and paste. But not a lot of people have seen the revised query so this is something new. Tell me what you think of it. Give a critique if you want. Or simply enjoy it in anticipation.

Sometimes there's more to life than the simple things.

For Tommy, life as a vampire should be simple. All he has to do is survive. Except life is anything but simple. 

Humans know to fear the night, so the hunt for blood can be tricky. Desire sits on the edge of his mind, urging him to become the blood thirsty monster humans believe he is. But he resists, listening only to his instincts to help him survive.

The only human Tommy can trust is his human, twin brother. Through the bond that connects them and with Danny's help, Tommy starts to understand the human world in which he struggles to survive. He learns what friendship means, feels the sting of betrayal and finds that sometimes the worst monsters are very human.

Tommy just wants to survive. But Vampire Forces - a special branch of police whose sole purpose is to hunt vampires - begs to differ. They want every vampire turned to ash. With the growing number of humans who mean more to Tommy than a meal, he learns there's more to life than simple survival. He discovers that being human has nothing to do with actually being a human.

PS: Sorry if B doesn't quiet have the same bang as A did.


  1. I think your query is really great. Have you been querying yet? I'd love to know how it is going. I am on hold while my ms is being critiqued, but hopefully a revision then querying for me too.

  2. I like your query... I definitely think this would get the attention of anyone who likes Vampire stuff.

  3. I'd say it's a little generic. Tommy's desires are quite vague, he wants to survive. He probably wants to find happiness too. I get that he's trying to resist being a typical 'bad' vampire, but it doesn't say how or what's unique about his story. I think a query needs to have a hook and I'm not sure that there is one here. Does he have a specific reason for resisting? A special way of going about it?

    Also be careful not to overuse words (simple, survive, human). It can make it read a little stilted.

    best of luck with it,

  4. Nothing will have quite the bang of your first post! :)

    Am no good with queries, so will offer no advice...but I'm following you now!

  5. @Corinne, I'm still not sure if I'm going to query agents. I'm still on the fence about indie or traditional. I figured both have their pros and cons. I know the work load involved with indie which doesn't scare me. I know time is a huge factor with traditional. But I still have time, a few people are reading the current draft so I can procrastinate on a decision a little more.

    @Mood, first off, thank you for the advice. I am a little leery on my hook. Had another one but Kel thought it was too generic. Which it was. But let me add this, trust me when I say in the world I'm trying to build in Tommy's story, the vampires don't care much about happiness. They care about one thing: survival. It's something I tried to stress in the first part.

    Tommy asks Danny what's the point of playing a video game. Danny says, "To have fun, get together w/ friends and kick each other's asses." Tommy asks, "Why would I want to have friends?"

    I don't believe by any means my query is quite ready. I think it could use a little more tweaks. It's way better than it was, but I'd like a few more opinions.

    So everyone so far, thanks for your comments and to my future readers, keep 'em coming.

  6. Hi Patricia

    I don't think I'm qualified to comment on the query itself, but I do have a comment about the title, Being Human. Is this the actual title of a novel you are writing/going to write? Are you aware that this is the title of a very popular TV series in the UK (about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost) which has also been remade for the US? Just thought you should know that.


  7. Yes, Juliet, I know. I am vividly aware thanks to many, many, many people before you. Sorry if that sounds a little snippy but after being told that too many times it's wearing on me a little thin.

  8. The title made me think of Being Human the television show(s) too (sorry). Titles are tricky, I find.

    I wanted to call a WIP "Eclipse" but didn't want any Twilight comparisons.

    Good luck with whichever path (indie or traditional) you choose.

    M.J. Fifield
    My Pet Blog

  9. Thought it was a great post!

    can't wait to see what you do with the rest of the alphabet

  10. Cool concept.
    I'd go with a stronger hookline; yours sounds a tiny bit cliched. It's such an interesting story, the second line is almost better. THat first tagline is the all important one they say.
    I feel terrible saying that, I just showed up at your blog, and even if invited, I feel ungracious giving true opine but there you have it. Hope you forgive me!

  11. Toby, don't feel bad. I'm asking for opinions. I won't swear or rant, promise! I'm wondering if my query would be stronger if I did start out with the second line. Let that be the hook.

  12. Nice concept. I'm not a big fan of many vampire stories but this was a fun read.

  13. I liked the query. =P Granted, I tend to be a little biased as I tend to love vampires. And I'd never heard of the Being Human tv series until just now... granted, I could be accused of living in a box, too.

    Also, needing to use B can limit the title a little, so I'm not going to nag or anything! Best of wishes for the remainder of the challenge!

  14. I like the spin this spin on a vampire tale, and would be interested in reading. I am not the best with queries, and have never done my own (partly because I haven't finished any of my manuscripts).

    Good luck!

  15. I think you've got a great story going. I've been told, and I'm speaking as an unpublished writer who is also querying, that a query should be short, one page and include an opening paragraph stating the name, page length, line or publisher you are targeting. Two to three sentences. Then move to the story. Think back cover blurb. GMC for hero and/or heroine. Ending paragraph with a bit about your accomplishments. It's the format I'm using. I really like what you've written but IMO it's more a short synopsis. Best of luck with this!

  16. Well Deb, this is just the meat of the story. I didn't worry about putting title or word count. I've also been told to find out what the agent likes for formatting because they all like different things. >.<