Friday, March 25, 2011


Update: I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This post isn't happy. It's not full of cheer or joy. This post is what the internet is about. Ranting about your feelings while you're feeling crappy then hitting post. Oh, and regretting it all later. I'm going to try not to regret though. Life's too short to live it full of regrets.

My boyfriend's been a sweetheart about my mood. He's been trying to hug me or give me encouraging words. But right now I want to be left alone. Let me wallow in self pity. Oh, what's that? There's people in Japan who probably have a much better reason than I do to feel sorry for themselves?

Thanks, now I feel guilty too.

Suppose I should tell you what's got my goat eh? I had a nice little succession of events hit me and any rants I've had have been met with silence.

Sorry world, forgot I was supposed to be a big ball of yellow sunshine. Happy, happy, happy!

(I try to keep swearing to a minimum on this blog so I can't say what's going through my mind. I'll give you a hint: It sounds an awful lot like muck or buck or puck.)
My boyfriend got a great job at the beginning on the year. It has benefits and health insurance. So we figure might as well finally get married. We've been together for eight years and it's something we've talked about doing. I need the insurance too. My left eye has been hurting a lot and I spent a lot of money I didn't have getting it looked at, filling a prescription to heal it, going in for check ups and now it's hurting again. One possible reason might be rheumatoid arthritis. Plus womanly functions and problems I know men don't want to hear about and I don't want to get into detail require a doctor's attention. Yay! I'm getting married! That's great news! What could make it go wrong?

I can't find my birth certificate and I need that to get married. We've looked everywhere, torn drawers and boxes apart. I got it from my parents back in November so I could get an enhanced driver's license. I don't know what I did with it after.

I'm quite mad at myself right now.

Before that lovely bit of news ruined my happy mood I pretty much got shot down by a friend. A while ago I teased him about being king of the gutter, promising a crown. Well, I came up with an idea on how to make one and thought it'd be a cute present we'd both get a laugh out of. Made it up, hinted and teased about what I was doing. When I asked for his snail mail so I could mail said surprise I got nothing. Not a yes or no. Not even a maybe. Hmm, that word that rhymes with muck, buck and puck is popping in my head again. Followed by a you.

Am I over reacting? Probably. But hey, at least have the guts to say, "Hey, I'm not comfortable giving my address out online. How about a pic of your hard work?" I'd be bummed. I didn't make it so I could wear it. I made it for a friend. I'd understand though. Give me some credit that I'm not a complete psycho.

So we have a bum eye, female problems, friend rejection and plans of a wedding ruined. What else? Oh yeah, my credit card still says there's a problem with my account and won't let me pay. I am not a fan of talking on the phone. If this keeps up, pay off and cancel!

All this leads to a rather interesting feeling. I'm looking at my books, wanting to burn every one. Seeing my writing and wanting to trash it all. That would be easy too. Click, trash, delete and gone forever. I want to scream, cry and all that wonderful stuff. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is around and I have this thing about crying around him. I hate doing it and as I've already stated I want to be left alone. I don't want to feel better yet. I don't want hugs or kisses or comforting words. When I do I will take a nap and when I wake up I'll feel stupid and silly for being crabby when there's people in Japan who deserve more pity than I do.

Guilt is back. Joy.

Suppose I'll hit publish now. Put my angry and upset mood out for all the internet to see. Hopefully my birth certificate will show up soon and we can go get married. I wanted to do it on April 1st. Just thought that would be fun, a serious event on a day all about jokes. Chris, if you read this, man up and be honest before you pass out for the night and leave me irked all day. You have no problem any other time. It's not the end of the world if you say no. Until then, this is me signing off on my emo mood and remember: you're allowed to have bad days to rant about. Even if there are other people who deserve a little sympathy more.

Peace out.


  1. Hey girl. I'm totally feeling your frustration, etc. I hope you wake up from your nap and feel better. Maybe you can get online and order a new birth certificate and have them overnight it. Were you born in Grand Rapids? Maybe it's possible. Hang in there. And don't you DARE burn or delete your writing!!!!!! I'll be sooooooooooo pissed!!!

  2. Don't worry, I'm not going to delete my writing. =P Took a nap too and feel pretty good now.

  3. I hope you feel better... I could see where all of those events could really get to a person... Not being able to find something always sucks... I have this horrible habit of using important documents as bookmarks... I once torn my apartment up looking for my passport and found it a week later in a book. And sometimes I cram stuff into journal flaps and they disappear... hope everything (including your eye) gets better ;)

  4. Thanks Austin. Even without finding the certificate yet I'm better. Took a nap, had a nice dream during it. It just sucks because everything seems to pile on at once and it feels like my own personal tsunami is sweeping me away.... Or at least my writing muse has been swept away. Can't string any words together right now.

  5. Um go kill a main character - something horrific - even if you trash it you will feel so much better - and then you grin at them and say if you stop talking I will assume you have ---decided to make trouble -----hey it will cheer you up when you can't shut them up for 3 weeks...grin

  6. I like my main characters too much to take any anger/emo moods out on them. I think I torment them enough on my good days.

  7. So, are you saying you found your birth certificate, and that this Friday is the BIG day??!?!

  8. Yes Erin. I decided to keep it quiet on FB for reasons I will tell you in an email. =)